Running With Scissors
January 27, 2006
So now, not only do I think I’m a Preschool Crack Whore (ok, I really don’t, but you have to admit, it does sound funny), but now I’m scheduled to have my gallbladder removed on February 7th.
I know, don’t you wish you were walking around in my size 6′s right now? C’mon, admit it. You know you do.
So during the search to find out what was hurting me down on my left front side (near the female parts), somehow they decided to turn the cameras upward towards my gallbladder and found several large and small stones. What possessed them to do this, I have no idea. Having not taken doctor’s training, I’ll explain it away to the “life’s greater mysteries” section on my scrapbook of life and move on. Suffice it to say they took this to be an important sign, and sent me on my merry way to the General Surgeon for further instruction. All I needed to complete the moment was cool sunglasses that have LCD maps on the inside lenses and an exploding message after 10 seconds.
Surgeon Master (as he will forever be referred as) says based on my age, and healing abilities, it would be best to just go ahead and remove the thing. Something was said about it not really being an important body part anyway. I then realize I’ve heard this conversation spoken to me once before, about 3 years ago when my OBGYN removed my left ovary (what we thought was originally causing me my pain in the first place). Wow, us wimmin folk seem to have a lot of body parts that aren’t very important or necessary, it would seem.
Yikes.
Is it just me, or have I met two doctors who may have trained at the Dr. Hannibal Lecter* School of Doctorhood? Or am I just special?
So, Surgeon Master says, after I explain that the pain originates on my left front side, not my right upper side, that while he’s putting a few incisions in my body, sticking some things in there to take out the gallbladder, AND putting a camera in there for filming and visual purposes (I’m somehow comforted to know that he needs to see where he’s going to take the gallbladder out of my body); when he’s done removing the offending gallbladder, he’ll just turn the camera around to have a look down there and see what could be causing the problem. If it’s a hernia, he’ll fix it. If it is girl parts issues, I’ll have to talk to my OBGYN (I have a new one since “The Great Ovary Caper”) about a second surgery, which can include, but is not limited to: removing my girl parts totally and sending me straight to menopause. (without passing GO or collecting $200. Actually they’ll be the ones collecting the money….and the body parts. Lucky moi.)
Will Buffalo Bill* be in the OR? ‘Cause I’m a thinkin’ he might have some interest in this.
As if I don’t have enough to worry about.
*If these references are making you scratch your head and wonder; “What planet is this chick on?” Please refer to the movie Silence of the Lambs; which can be found at your local movie rental establishment or on Netflix.
